The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
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him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.