@Mr_DrinksOnMe

The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum. They’re the Tolkien white guys.

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@Keefler_Elf

texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her

@dumbbeezie

I cannot believe all of these people are out!

-Me when I’m out

@AndrewChamings

make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”

@drinksmcgee

Woman with thick Russian accent: You are very sexy.
Me (Blushing): Aw shucks.
W: No… I use wrong word… sweaty… is correct?
M: ….

@david8hughes

[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.

@KylePlantEmoji

I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”

@CopBroughtPizza

todd: *sobbing uncontrollably*

me: relax it was just a little earthquake

todd’s wife: he’s an etch-sketch artist. it was everything he had

@AbbieEvansXO

Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?

Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good

Genie: alright then [disappears]

Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no

@TheWoodenslurpy

Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain