Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
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What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
They’re called werewolves.
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.