The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
You Might Also Like
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity