The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
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When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.