@MelvinofYork

The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”

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@MiddleageM

Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…

@ACartoonCat

Can we all agree to make this the new ‘this is fine’ meme please

@Bob_Janke

I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win

@tpurvis06

If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…

@DaddyJew

Dad: I had a son once

Stranger: what happened to him?

D: he touched the thermostat

Kid: dad, I’m like right here

D: you hear something?

@DropsNoPanties

Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.

Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!

@ChicksRule

Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?

Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous

Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day

@daemonic3

FRIEND: Where were you?

ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor

FRIEND: Flu?

ME: Nah, just drove really fast