The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
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HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
Don’t forget to tip your server
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.