@AbbyHasIssues

The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.

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@lolumOKUR

if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools

@AntozWolf

They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.

@flglmn

“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies

@KimmyMonte

I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.

@DrizzyTheType

Drake the type of nigga to get a wanted star in Grand Theft Auto, drive to the police station and turn himself in.

@ilovepie84

WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”

@tomwalkerisgood

As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds

@markydoodoo

“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.

@jake_lach

*Holds door for woman
*Slams door in her boyfriend’s face