The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
You Might Also Like
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader: