The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
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My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
*jingles half the way*
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.