The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
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When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.