The only way I’d be scared of a ghost is if one was coming at me wearing a fitted sheet that I thought I’d have to eventually fold.

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Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”


“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”


Of course I swallow it’s a basic function of eating. What kind of job interview is this anyway and why are there multiple cameras


Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.

Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?


Sometimes words are just not enough

And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower


Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.

3: I’m adding another option!

Me: *

*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.


Sorry I totaled your car. I saw your kid made the honor roll, so I let go of the wheel to applaud.


Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.

Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*


Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”

Day Two: Murder


Cop: Why were you speeding?
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.