@SaraMansford

The only way I’d be scared of a ghost is if one was coming at me wearing a fitted sheet that I thought I’d have to eventually fold.

You Might Also Like

@TragicAllyHere

Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”

@bornmiserable

“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”

@useful_wagon

Of course I swallow it’s a basic function of eating. What kind of job interview is this anyway and why are there multiple cameras

@UnFitz

Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.

Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?

@Smooheed

Sometimes words are just not enough

And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower

@ThatMummyLife

Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.

3: I’m adding another option!

Me: *

*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.

@underchilde

Sorry I totaled your car. I saw your kid made the honor roll, so I let go of the wheel to applaud.

@sixfootcandy

Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.

Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*

@wickedimproper

Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”

Day Two: Murder

@Reverend_Scott

Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.