The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
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Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?