The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
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cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
thank god
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.