@jwoodham

The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.

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@PhriendlyCody

[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years

@ItsJennaMarbles

Dear girls that go tanning, it’s called ‘sunkissed’, it’s not called ‘dorito raped’.

@SatansTongue

*snail Olympics*
How does it feel?
“Well it took 4 years but I finished the marathon”
And how will you prepare for it again tomorrow?
“What”

@GrahamKritzer

KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin

Bear Family: what’s our cover?

KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper

@WhaJoTalkinBout

me: ok now let’s do a silly one

first guy in police line up: *kermit voice* give me all your cash

@mommajessiec

[50 YEARS FROM NOW]

Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.

@Donna_McCoy

You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.