[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
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Dear girls that go tanning, it’s called ‘sunkissed’, it’s not called ‘dorito raped’.
How does it feel?
“Well it took 4 years but I finished the marathon”
And how will you prepare for it again tomorrow?
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
me: ok now let’s do a silly one
first guy in police line up: *kermit voice* give me all your cash
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
Just shook a piece of cellophane off my finger and now I’m exhausted.