[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
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Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]