When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
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Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.