The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
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If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder