The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.

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I don’t throw people under the bus because there’s a chance they could lay flat in the center and not get hurt, which I’m not okay with.


Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.


My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.


M: If I cashew looking through my windows agai-
H: What?
M: I saw you pecan!
H: No, I wasn-
M: You’re macadamian me mad.
H: You’re nuts.


Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.


[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang


me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say



God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!

Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?

G: *throws a rock*

A: Sick shot!

G: Next time, apes


Scientist: Your bear/owl hybrid has escaped.
Me: Dont worry. I put a gps collar on it
Scientest: So u can..
Me: Track my bowl movements, yes