I don’t throw people under the bus because there’s a chance they could lay flat in the center and not get hurt, which I’m not okay with.
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
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Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
M: If I cashew looking through my windows agai-
M: I saw you pecan!
H: No, I wasn-
M: You’re macadamian me mad.
H: You’re nuts.
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
Scientist: Your bear/owl hybrid has escaped.
Me: Dont worry. I put a gps collar on it
Scientest: So u can..
Me: Track my bowl movements, yes