It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
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[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
Yawning Is our body’s way of saying 20% of battery remaining
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
On the Wikipedia page for List of Serial Killers by Number of Victims it says “This page is incomplete. You can help by expanding it.” Omg.
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking… and this [copilot starts sick beatbox] is your captain rapping
ALL OUT OF FUEL