The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.

You Might Also Like


It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*



I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot

*ten minutes later*

I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.


[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]


On the Wikipedia page for List of Serial Killers by Number of Victims it says “This page is incomplete. You can help by expanding it.” Omg.


Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message


As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.


ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking… and this [copilot starts sick beatbox] is your captain rapping