@trevso_electric

The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.

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@Kyle_Lippert

It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*

@KylePlantEmoji

[coding]

I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot

*ten minutes later*

I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.

@FrenulumBreve

[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]

@Kaylezor

On the Wikipedia page for List of Serial Killers by Number of Victims it says “This page is incomplete. You can help by expanding it.” Omg.

@DennisFarrell

Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message

@DadandBuried

As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.

@DanMentos

ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking… and this [copilot starts sick beatbox] is your captain rapping
ALL OUT OF FUEL
ALL OUT