The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
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Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.