The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.

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I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra

It was a boobie trap


Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week


I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.


I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.


What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.


Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow

Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait


The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.


dentist: when did you last floss?

me: just last week

dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true

me: sorry, i meant yesterday

dentist: what?

me: i mean i’m flossing right now


me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount


REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes