In Canada, Miles Davis is known as Kilometers Davis.
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
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I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes