The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
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Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.