the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
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midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
My purse is deeper than some people.
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
Buck naked
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.