You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
You Might Also Like
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
“Are you sure this lawyer is good?”
“He pronounced sue like sway”
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
brother: show us the ring!
me: we dont have time to watch a classic horror movie Dave you dumb shit i’m gettin married
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
Eight hours into this family road trip I realized my lifelong vow to avoid illegal drugs was stupid.