@WilliamAder

The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.

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@bingowings14

As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.

@SardonicTart

Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.

@NicestHippo

“Are you sure this lawyer is good?”
Yeah, why?
“He pronounced sue like sway”

@towelforacape

People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.

@captainkalvis

[engagement party]
brother: show us the ring!

me: we dont have time to watch a classic horror movie Dave you dumb shit i’m gettin married

@mrjohndarby

[before surgery]

doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?

me: yes, every night

@PhilJamesson

surgeon: scalpel.

me: careful, it’s sharp! haha

[everyone screams]

me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke

@HiddleDeeDee

Eight hours into this family road trip I realized my lifelong vow to avoid illegal drugs was stupid.