The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
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This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
Raisins are grape jerky.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.