Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
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My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
Hot Hot Hot
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
How to draw a duck
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
Just me?
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.