While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
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“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
me, after any kind of buffet.
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends