The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.

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I said “Margarita” 3 times in the mirror instead of “Bloody Mary” and now a ghost mariachi band is forcing me to play maracas for them.


Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow


Son: How does this end?

Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland

Son: No this movie

Me: Shrek marries Fiona


My wife and I had sex on her decorative pillows and blankets. We were in the throws of passion.


Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.


Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?


Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…


A spider monkey isn’t very rare but its parents are. Just try finding a spider that drunk.


General Contractor: Don’t worry ma’am, everything will be ready, we’ll have the scaffolding set up and erected.
Me: *mutes phone* hahahahaha


me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises