@lemmywinkler

The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.

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@Kendragarden

I said “Margarita” 3 times in the mirror instead of “Bloody Mary” and now a ghost mariachi band is forcing me to play maracas for them.

@chrissyteigen

Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow

@ArfMeasures

Son: How does this end?

Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland

Son: No this movie

Me: Shrek marries Fiona

@LeonInNewJersey

My wife and I had sex on her decorative pillows and blankets. We were in the throws of passion.

@Darlainky

Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.

@DirtyMelodies

Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?

@cali_cathy

Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…

@IamJackBoot

A spider monkey isn’t very rare but its parents are. Just try finding a spider that drunk.

@trainwreck1000

General Contractor: Don’t worry ma’am, everything will be ready, we’ll have the scaffolding set up and erected.
Me: *mutes phone* hahahahaha

@IvoryGazelle

me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises