My grandpa slept in snow in the Battle of the Bulge
& I’m considering throwing out this cup of water bc it has some tiny floaty things in it
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
You Might Also Like
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
“Tired of spilling meatballs while eating in bed?”
“Maybe it’s time you re-evaluate your life.”
Me: [heavy sigh]