@lemmywinkler

The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.

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@ClichedOut

Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.

Me: As opposed to what?

@UnFitz

Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?

Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.

@mrs_campfire

Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body

My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please

Me: what’s that? More cheese?

@shariv67

They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”

@Willie1derful

*receives text from wife

“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.

@HatfieldAnne

We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.

@thatUPSdude

Think the walk of shame sucks now, imagine doing it in the 80s in corduroy pants.

Everyone heard you leaving.

@MunkMania

If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.

@lovejulieacafe

I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.

@Probgoblin

Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.

Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.