@lemmywinkler

The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.

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@thestlouisan

My grandpa slept in snow in the Battle of the Bulge
& I’m considering throwing out this cup of water bc it has some tiny floaty things in it

@glenna_opt

she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street

@ObscureGent

Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.

@ericsshadow

“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”

@ElgatoEsmio

Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.

@SteveRyanComedy

*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*

Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy

@Pork_Chop_Hair

In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.

@Ideal_Victoria

The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.

The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.

@SCbchbum

Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.

@ComedicBust

[Commercial]

“Tired of spilling meatballs while eating in bed?”

Me: YES

“Maybe it’s time you re-evaluate your life.”

Me: [heavy sigh]