The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.

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Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.

Me: As opposed to what?


Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?

Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.


Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body

My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please

Me: what’s that? More cheese?


They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”


*receives text from wife

“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.


We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.


Think the walk of shame sucks now, imagine doing it in the 80s in corduroy pants.

Everyone heard you leaving.


If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.


I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.


Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.

Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.