The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
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one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
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