the opposite of a charles manson is a nicole kidman

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Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.


I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.


Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.


It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”


My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.


My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.


Me (sobbing): It’s just so unfair.

Husband: Do we have to go through this every year? Move the sundresses to the back of the closet and stop being so dramatic.


*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*

i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops