My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
You Might Also Like
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
can’t bark with your mouth full
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
Found my door mat
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
the noise i just made
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
me hooking up with my ex
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.