The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING
You Might Also Like
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
“what’s your ideal vacation?”
dropping my family off at the airport and going back home alone for 7 days.
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
Statisticly 6 out of 7 dwarfs arent happy…
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow