The opposite of a nightmare is a morningstallion.

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Not to brag, but I don’t even need alcohol to make really bad decisions.


[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-


Next time a conspiracy theorist says, “That’s what they want you to think,” say, “No, but that’s what they wanted you to tell me.”


having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler


One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.


My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…


HORSE: *walks up to the bar*

ME [THE BARTENDER] : So, *raises an eyebrow* why the long face ?

HORSE: Oh *removes Nic Cage mask* Sorry