“A decade is ten years” doesn’t make it sound quite as long as “Nyan Cat is from this decade”
The opposite of a nightmare is a morningstallion.
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It’s a good thing not everyone has a smartphone. Someone has to honk when the light turns green.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ?/? of my tickets
Do you hate yourself?
Do you wish someone would trip you down stairs?
Do you enjoy lacerations & and surprise vomit piles?
*hands you a cat*
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
Why do pretty faces happen to bad people?
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control