Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
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[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
Smile Twitter, Smile.
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.