@SleazySli

The opposite of a nightmare is a morningstallion.

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@KalvinMacleod

ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*

@SortaBad

9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet

1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?

@bornmiserable

[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality

@MrMichaelRose

*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island

@FeelingEuphoric

[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you like

HER: I really get off on exhibitionism

ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool

@causticbob

What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?

Sony Playstation

@daemonic3

Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service

Batman: Your carrier sucks

Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?

Batman: Bat Mobile

@ok_one_more

I told my husband my throat was sore & his response was, “We’d better have sex quick before you get too sick.”

& it’s nice to know normalcy remains.