@SleazySli

The opposite of a nightmare is a morningstallion.

You Might Also Like

@CatalystNB

“A decade is ten years” doesn’t make it sound quite as long as “Nyan Cat is from this decade”

@Thelazyemperor

It’s a good thing not everyone has a smartphone. Someone has to honk when the light turns green.

@Mike_Bianchi

A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”

@daemonic3

[traffic court]

Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets

JUDGE: Repeat infractions?

Ok, I’m here to dispute ?/? of my tickets

@shkeeber

Do you hate yourself?
Do you wish someone would trip you down stairs?
Do you enjoy lacerations & and surprise vomit piles?
*hands you a cat*

@thelateinnings

[sheriff’s office]

me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition

deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records

me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now

@Burnam1

My grandmother’s secret ingredient?

Cigarette ashes

@simoncholland

Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack