@SleazySli: The opposite of a nightmare is a morningstallion.
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@Willie1derful: *receives text from wife "I'm done" Ok. I'll have my lawyer call yours. "I meant work" Ok. Cool.
@trojansauce: [as the bride enters the church and heads down the aisle] ME: *clapping* BRIDE BRIDE BRIDE BRIDE
@Donnie_Fairburn: 911: What's your emergency? Me: I brought a girl home last night 911: That's not an- Me: NOW SHE WON'T LEAVE! *swat team busts down my door*
@stodghill10: what happens when you put nutella on salmon u get salmonella haha haha someone d8 me plz