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@SleazySli: The opposite of a nightmare is a morningstallion.
@preshmomes: my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
@JohnnyCrash5: If my dog barks at you we can't be friends, also, I hate you too.
@Crunk_Jews: Her: what's your favorite thing about our date tonight?
Me: that it's almost over
@davedittell: UNICORN: I love the forest! I love my horn! Life is wonderf—
[Pegasus flies over chased by babes]
UNICORN: God why have you forsaken me
@Brampersandon_: [leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
M (suspiciously): mine had 2