The opposite of a nightmare is a morningstallion.

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“A decade is ten years” doesn’t make it sound quite as long as “Nyan Cat is from this decade”


It’s a good thing not everyone has a smartphone. Someone has to honk when the light turns green.


A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”


[traffic court]

Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets

JUDGE: Repeat infractions?

Ok, I’m here to dispute ?/? of my tickets


Do you hate yourself?
Do you wish someone would trip you down stairs?
Do you enjoy lacerations & and surprise vomit piles?
*hands you a cat*


[sheriff’s office]

me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition

deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records

me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now


My grandmother’s secret ingredient?

Cigarette ashes


Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack