I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
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Somebody needs to get my shit together.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
jesus christ confetti not now
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.