The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
You Might Also Like
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy