If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
The opposite of Iceland is water water
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I accidentally prayed on people’s weaknesses instead of preying on them, and now they just think I’m kind.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
“You should leave your wife…” The secret note I leave on my husband’s windshield every morning…
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
16: Why do I have to go to college?
Me: It’s the next big step on your journey.
16: My journey where?
Me: Out of this house.
Waitress at Olive Garden tells me to say “when” and starts grating cheese on my salad
I say nothing
Room fills with Parmesan
No one survives
[is being given CPR by my ex girlfriend] “do you know how many heart attacks I had to fake before they sent you.”
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes