The opposite of Iceland is water water

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If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.


I accidentally prayed on people’s weaknesses instead of preying on them, and now they just think I’m kind.


[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.


Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.


“You should leave your wife…” The secret note I leave on my husband’s windshield every morning…


My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.

Does she really think I am going to let her leave?


16: Why do I have to go to college?

Me: It’s the next big step on your journey.

16: My journey where?

Me: Out of this house.


Waitress at Olive Garden tells me to say “when” and starts grating cheese on my salad
I say nothing
Room fills with Parmesan
No one survives


[is being given CPR by my ex girlfriend] “do you know how many heart attacks I had to fake before they sent you.”


UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes