The opposite of Iceland is water water
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Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
choose your fighter
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?