@josePhDhoran

The opposite of Iceland is water water

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@jellybnbonanza

If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.

@LittleMissAngr1

I accidentally prayed on people’s weaknesses instead of preying on them, and now they just think I’m kind.

@iLikeCatShirts

[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.

@aveuaskew

Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.

@MsSugar_Kisses

“You should leave your wife…” The secret note I leave on my husband’s windshield every morning…

@beefman138

My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.

Does she really think I am going to let her leave?

@better_off_dad2

16: Why do I have to go to college?

Me: It’s the next big step on your journey.

16: My journey where?

Me: Out of this house.

@jessicaa1017

Waitress at Olive Garden tells me to say “when” and starts grating cheese on my salad
I say nothing
Room fills with Parmesan
No one survives

@ericsshadow

[is being given CPR by my ex girlfriend] “do you know how many heart attacks I had to fake before they sent you.”

@fro_vo

UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes