The opposite of Iceland is water water
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I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*