Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.

It’s on my to-do list.

I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.

Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.

Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr

Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX

lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?

peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂

lost boys:

peter pan: so funny

lost boys: you’re a sociopath

Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW

Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?

Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you

Cop ~ Get out

I needed a laugh this morning.

She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*

Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.

Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.

We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.

I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.

Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?

Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?

Her:

Me: I’ll be the thimble.

Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?

Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.

Her: Make me a mimosa.

Me: But we’re out of orange juice.

Her: I don’t see the problem.

[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!

Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons

Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion

Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?

Me: Sorry I was busy

W: Doing what?

*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*

Me: Uh..

the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen

date: so what do you do?

me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter

My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.

You: Sitting down to eat

Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?

[giving wedding toast for my cousin]

…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—

My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.

Her: Do you like this outfit?

Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?

Her: Changing.

Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!

Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry

My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…

if the bag is matte the chips are healthy