The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
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Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
sry
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
*Inspirational Tweets*
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*