I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
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criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
Alexa, avenge me.
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Teller: you suck at art
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen