The options really are this bad
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Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan