@EastTNLady

The options really are this bad

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@panmidwest

GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy

[meeting her parents]

ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?

@XplodingUnicorn

8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.

Me: It looks the same as before.

8: I added more snacks.

Finally, some meaningful renovations.

@SteveSuckington

[high school]

Teacher: do u have your homework?

Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night

@DocAroundThClok

[Busy ER]

Patient: So what happens after this?

Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate

Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?

Me: Oh. Same.

@HuggyOnline

Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish

@UberFacts

Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.

@AnnDabromowitz

When I’m CEO of Subway, employees will no longer be called “sandwich artists.” They will be “sub humans.”

@Ygrene

[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!