GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
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8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
this is how life feels
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
When I’m CEO of Subway, employees will no longer be called “sandwich artists.” They will be “sub humans.”
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!