We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
The Orthodontist wants to pull my daughter’s 2 loose baby teeth & charge me $250. I bought the biggest bag of caramels I could find for $5.
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“How did your grammar competition go?”
I put the “ate” in chocolate.
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
*I’m a gift to mankind.*
Mankind- I’d like to exchange this please.
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.