The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
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boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*