the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
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Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.