@deviledlegs

The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.

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@hazelmotes1

Don’t judge. Maybe I’m conducting a study of the effects of prolonged laziness on a human body. You don’t know.

@TheMichaelRock

Helping my 5yo with his homework. Does anyone remember how to write the alphabet? Like with a pencil?

@kelkulus

They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.

@Marlebean

The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!

“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”

@FatherWithTwins

Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!

Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.

@fro_vo

[me on Ellen}

Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions

Me: that’s right Ellen

@MissHavisham

The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.

@weinerdog4life

There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button

@smithsara79

Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-

Some guy: Be rich?

Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it