The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.

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Don’t judge. Maybe I’m conducting a study of the effects of prolonged laziness on a human body. You don’t know.


Helping my 5yo with his homework. Does anyone remember how to write the alphabet? Like with a pencil?


They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.


The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!

“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”


Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!

Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.


[me on Ellen}

Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions

Me: that’s right Ellen


The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.


There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button


Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-

Some guy: Be rich?

Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it