me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
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Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
who wore it better?
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips