writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
You Might Also Like
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
Autocarrot sucks!
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it