The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.

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[ouija board]

me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now

ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E

me: ….please stop


Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!


That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit


Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician


What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?



My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.


professor x: what’s your superpower

me: I make text look like faces

professor XD : what?


I met my wife on Tinder

* After 8 months of our marriage*


Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…


Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.