The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
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Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.