me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
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Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
I met my wife on Tinder
* After 8 months of our marriage*
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.