Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
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Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
twitter users today:
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
Some of y’all tomorrow …
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.