The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
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I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
I already tried new things thanks.
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.