the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
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[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
mumsnet is amazing
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
Watermelon Boss!
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes