The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
You Might Also Like
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.