The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
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Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?