The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
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I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer