The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
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My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
Cashiers are always checking me out
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.