@68Cly29

The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.

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@MumInBits

8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up

@ProudFFAalumni

Instead of accusing me of eating your leftover pie, ask yourself why you had any left to begin with, quitter

*said thru a mouthful of pie*

@StormErika

People keep escaping from maximum security jails and I can’t even manage to leave 5 minutes early from work.

@3sunzzz

My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.

@Sassafrantz

At 17, Joan of Arc led the French to victory and I just looked for my phone while talking on it.

@Rollinintheseat

If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.

@david8hughes

[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?

@david8hughes

[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”

@robdelaney

My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.