The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
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A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
What’s so funny?
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé