The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
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just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
*power walks to the refrigerator*
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
My teenage children choosing violence
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
The fall of Netflix
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?