The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
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Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
What a kind woman! 😂😂
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.