@Grind_n_Roll

The past, present and future walk into a bar.

It was tense.

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@dog_feelings

the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty

@ThisOneSayz

Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?

Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.

@patnspankme

I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.

@trumpetcake

Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.

It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”

A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”

A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”

Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.

@Michael1979

VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me

@ItsMeAshleyWee

I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.

@Sassafrantz

If a bear tries to attack you in the woods, give it your bicycle. Maybe it’s one of those circus bears, you never know.

@NicestHippo

You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn

@wickedsuga

I am an expert at making balloon animals.

May I interest you in a hyphen or a pickle?