@Grind_n_Roll

The past, present and future walk into a bar.

It was tense.

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@stuckinaportal

*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror*

*returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3

@MissSassy_Pants

Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]

6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!

Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!

6yo: yeah ri-

Me: [collapses]

@DaddyJew

Funny how kids can remember a video game you promised them months ago but ask them to turn off a light 10x and suddenly they’re clueless

@NYC_Blonde

You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it date an emotionally available, age-appropriate, nice, single guy with a good job.

@iamspacegirl

Dog: *just lookin at me*

Me: go lay down

Dog: ok.

Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*

Me: *wincing* thank you

Cat: damn right thank you

@MissNaughty1801

My mother in law:did you put the weight on?
Me:no…actually I’ve lost some. You should have seen me month ago. I looked like you

@huntigula

*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?

@LADaddy

Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…