*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror*
*returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
The past, present and future walk into a bar.
It was tense.
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Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Funny how kids can remember a video game you promised them months ago but ask them to turn off a light 10x and suddenly they’re clueless
You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it date an emotionally available, age-appropriate, nice, single guy with a good job.
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
My mother in law:did you put the weight on?
Me:no…actually I’ve lost some. You should have seen me month ago. I looked like you
i wish i had a cute laugh but instead i sound like a dying seal
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…