My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
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[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
Posting this on behalf of a friend
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
(Gaming support cat.)
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away